Around six months or so ago I decided to attempt to learn how to play the alto saxophone. The following (non-) progress update was written by my alter ego, Johnny Sax. Enjoy!

Yo, all you dudes and chicks. Johnny Sax here, looking for a band that’s looking for a sax player who coughes and wheezes between each note. That’s the lowdown, peeps: I have a chest infection, making blowing my horn tough toenails and unwise. Can you dig it? Man, without being able to wail, this place is Dullsville and I’ve turned into a square. I’ll be straight with you, I’m pretty wigged out.

The shape in a drape who lives with me suggested I practise the fingering without actually playing. She’s a musician so she knows where it’s at. It works brilliantly, and has the additional benefit of not bugging the neighbours, who would probably call the fuzz.

As for all you folk who keep laying a heavy vibe on me for a demo, every time I attempt to do it I mess it up and sound like a juicehead. I ain’t gonna cop a bit in case y’all have a big tickle. Please don’t blow your jets or bash my ears.

Anyway, once I can swing*it with the best of them I’ll share some grooves with you and it will be a gas. One of these days I’m gonna bake a biscuit. And now, I’m a-gonna hand y’all back to Terry.

Notes

* It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing: remember that.

To understand Johnny Sax, check out these websites:

Beatnik dictionary

Beatnik Glossary

1950s slang

Writing in different voices, genres or styles is a really good way of improving one’s skills. If you think so too, and you enjoyed this article, do have a look at my Eclecticsm newsletter, where this article first appeared.

You might also enjoy this series: Experiments in Style. Be sure to subscribe to Eclecticism (for free) so as not to miss new versions (they appear every week or two weeks),

In addition, for a modest subscription fee, you will also gain access to my Experiments in Stle Extra articles, in which I explained the methodology or rationale for some of the experiments, plus occasional freebies, plus tips articles and behind the scenes articles.

Finally, if you live in the UK you might like my one day course on writing with constraints, in which we will do more of this sort of thing in a workshopping environment.