A literature course called Great Novellas beckoned me. I enrolled on it in order to discover writers or works I had not encountered before, and to sample fine writing I might learn from in order to improve my craft. This was one of the books on that course.
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Spoiler alert: this review reveals part of the plot.
Rather than write the traditional sort of review, I thought I would do it in the form of one of those quizzes one sees in popular magazines. Answer each question honestly, and keep a note of your answers on a sheet of paper so you can add up the score at the end.
Q1: You are on holiday with your partner in a beautiful city, much like Venice. It’s full of lovely churches, canal tours, lovely scenery and great places to eat. Do you:
a) arise early every day in order to see as much of the city as you can, maybe even doing a few guided tours, or…
b) spend all the time in your hotel room bonking?
Q2: You have discovered that restaurants tend to close or at least not take new orders after 9pm. Do you:
a) leave the hotel in good time to find somewhere to eat, or perhaps buy a sandwich or salad in a supermarket during the day, or…
b) leave your hotel room at 9pm each night looking for a place to eat?
Q3: You have a tendency to get lost in the alleyways of the city. Do you:
a) buy a decent map or even hire a personal guide, or …
b) wander around hoping that this time you will not get lost?
Q3: One night as you are wandering lost in some back alleyway, you are approached by a sleazy bloke wearing a razor blade around his neck. He offers to take you somewhere nice. Do you:
a) Say “Oh that’s fine thank you, we love these quiet byways. And our hotel is just up there.” Or…
b) Say “Oh how kind of you. Aren’t the local residents friendly? Yes we’d love to accompany you to some dive.”
Q4: Your new companion tells you about how he was tyrannised as a child, and how he wrought revenge on his sisters, and they on him. Do you:
a) Say “My goodness. Is that really the time? We’re meeting friends for midnight drinks. They’ll be starting to worry about us.” Or…
b) Say “How awful. Please tell us more. And yes we’d be delighted to accept your invitation to stay over at your place and have dinner with you.”
Q5: Just before dinner, your host punches you in the stomach. Do you:
a) Leave straight away, or…
b) Say “How jolly. I love a bit of robust male bonding.”
Q6: Your host’s partner tells you they love rough sex, so much so that her back has been broken, and they can’t wait to find out what it’s like to kill someone. They then invite you to come back soon. Do you:
a) Say “We’d love to, but the rest of our stay is taken up with all sorts of visits to friends and family.” Or…
b) Say “We’d love to” — and mean it.
Q7: As you are wandering around the city, you see your new friend’s apartment. Do you:
a) Turn around and walk away as fast as possible and hope you haven’t been seen. Or…
b) Say “Oh wonderful! Let’s pop in for a cup of tea and a chat.”?
I won’t reveal any more, so here’s how to score. For every (a) answer count 1 point. For every (b) answer count 5 points.
A score of 7 means you are a perfectly well-adjusted human being and will probably be appalled by this story. You might even have nightmares, like I did.
A score of between 7 and 30 means you have some serious work to do on yourself in order to be considered a normal member of polite society.
A score of over 35 means that you are a psychopath with sadomasochistic tendencies, maladjusted and possibly even a convicted murderer. But mostly it means you can’t even add properly because the score only goes up to 35.
Disclaimer: I have no qualifications in psychology etc, although I did read a paperback about it once. So do not take these scores seriously!
The only redeeming feature of this book is that it is beautifully written. It was the first book by Ian McEwan I’ve read, and judging from what I’ve seen of the subject matter of other of his earlier works, probably the last for the foreseeable future.
You have been warned!
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